Openness and Adoption
with Guest Expert Toni Williams, manager of minority adoption programs at Spence-ChapinGuest: We have a great relationship with our daughter's bmom, but she doesn't want us to have contact with the bdad. Theirs was a bitter breakup. But I don't think it's fair to our daughter to promise never to contact him.
Toni: Was the bfather involved in the adoption? Did you promise him that you would communicate with him?
Guest: We've never met him. He only signed off on the adoption. We haven't promised anything. I'm just reluctant to hurt her feelings.
Toni: Well, perhaps you can keep talking with her. As relationships develop, sometimes the parties reach a different understanding. Do you know her reasons? Was he a danger to the child or her?
Guest: He abandoned her during the pregnancy which hurt her very deeply.
Toni: I understand completely... are you interested in contacting the bfather?
Guest: I want medical information at the very least, and I think I'd like to be the one to make the decision about whether or not contact would benefit our daughter.
Toni: Got it! And that's where the move toward openness began i.e., with the need for medical information. Seems like your primary relationship is with the birth mom and you need/want to begin by helping her to understand your need for full medical info for your daughter's sake.
Guest: It's just a funny thing to finesse. I don't want to seem as though i'm asking permission - I just want to be sensitive to her feelings.
Toni: Yes relationships are tricky. But it seems like you have the sensitivity and awareness... Perhaps getting help from an agency/ professional would help. My agency, Spence-Chapin, in New York City, has a dept focused on helping parties to adoption post placement. Is there something like that in your area? That's usually where the real work begins - after placement.
Guest: Like as an intermediary with the bdad? or to help negotiate with the bmom?
Toni: Yes.
Guest: Thank you for your advice. I've got to put my little princess down for the night.
Page 1: Opening RemarksPage 2: What is Open Adoption? Page 3: Contacting BirthdadPage 4: Getting Medical Info from BirthdadPage 5: How Does an Agency Work With Expectant Moms?
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